Sabrina Zeplin on the OMHR Podcast

Why breakup talks are so challenging

A dismissal or a termination offer affects far more than just the employment relationship. For many people, their workplace, role, and circle of colleagues are closely linked to their identity, security, and sense of belonging. When this connection is suddenly called into question, those affected often react with shock, denial, anger, or withdrawal. These reactions are not automatically a sign that the conversation has "gone wrong." They are part of profound change processes. The so-called change curve describes how people typically process change: from shock and denial through acceptance to initial new perspectives. For managers and HR, this means: The initial reaction doesn't need to be resolved. It simply needs to be endured and professionally supported.

The seven most common mistakes in separation discussions

1. The message is delayed for too long.

Many interviewers begin with a long introduction:

"You know how difficult the current situation is..."

This may seem cautious at first, but it can raise false hopes. The person senses that something unpleasant is coming, but receives no guidance. The tension increases – and the actual message is often only received in fragments.

Better: After a brief, respectful greeting, get straight to the point. State the decision calmly and clearly. Friendliness and clarity are not mutually exclusive.

2. The decision is glossed over or downplayed.

Phrases like "Perhaps there are still possibilities" or "Nothing is final yet" are problematic once a decision has been made. They prolong uncertainty and can exacerbate later negotiations or conflicts.

Better: Clearly state what it's about: a termination or a settlement offer. Explain the context briefly and objectively – without jeopardizing the decision with vague wording.

3. The conversation is not adequately prepared.

Most mistakes don't happen during the conversation itself, but beforehand. If roles, content, or next steps are unclear, the conversation quickly becomes unstructured. Questions go unanswered, statements contradict each other, or promises are made under pressure that cannot later be kept.

Therefore, at least the following points should be clarified before the conversation:

• Who is leading the conversation?

• What role does HR play?

• What is the core message in one sentence?

• What reasons are given – and how do they fit into the overall narrative?

• What deadlines, options, and next steps are there?

• Who will answer questions after the interview?

• Have all legal and organizational points been checked?

Better: Prepare a conversation script with key phrases and FAQs. Practice difficult situations, ideally in a role-playing exercise.

4. There is a lack of empathy.

A purely factual presentation of the facts may seem efficient, but those affected often perceive it as cold or disrespectful. Simply explaining notice periods, garden leave, and severance pay overlooks the person who has to process this information.

Empathy does not mean regretting the decision or giving false hope. It means perceiving and acknowledging the other person's emotional situation.

Helpful phrases might include:

• "I can see how distressing this news is for you."

• "Please take a moment."

• "I will answer your questions as precisely as possible."

Better: Show compassion, but not pity. Remain approachable without making yourself the center of attention.

5. The manager shows inappropriate solidarity.

Statements like "I find that unacceptable myself" or "That was solely the board's decision" may sound human, but they undermine the credibility of the conversation. They distance the executive from the company and create an additional target for criticism.

Better: Explain the decision without defending it or blaming anyone. Leaders don't have to personally endorse the decision, but they should represent it professionally and consistently.

A clear division of roles helps with this:

• The leader stands for relationship, recognition, and personal appreciation.

• HR provides the process, framework, legal clarity and the next steps.

6. Too many details are explained in the first conversation.

The core message often leaves people with limited capacity to absorb information. Lengthy explanations of contract details, severance calculations, handovers, or organizational issues quickly become overwhelming.

Better: First, provide orientation: What has been decided? What happens next? Who can be contacted? Schedule a follow-up meeting for details and also provide the most important information in writing.

This doesn't mean brushing off questions. It means providing information at the right time and in a manageable amount.

7. The conversation is not properly followed up.

Leaving the room doesn't mean the separation conversation is over. Unanswered questions often arise later. Furthermore, those involved, under emotional pressure, don't always immediately recall the course of the conversation.

Better: Document the conversation promptly and objectively. Note open points, agreed-upon next steps, and contact persons. Managers and HR should briefly coordinate immediately afterward – and consciously schedule time between subsequent conversations.

A professional process in seven steps

A breakup conversation doesn't have to be long. However, it should be clearly structured.

1. Arrive briefly

Create a respectful atmosphere, but avoid lengthy small talk. The person affected should quickly understand what the matter is about.

2. The message first

State the decision early, calmly, and clearly.

3. Briefly explain the context

Explain the reasons objectively and consistently. Do not justify yourself or compare the person to other affected individuals.

4. Allow a reaction

Allow pauses. Tolerate silence. Listen actively, reflect back important statements, and give the person space to respond.

5. Answer questions

Answer as precisely as possible. If a question cannot yet be answered, say so openly and state the next step.

6. Explain support and next steps

Discuss the notice period, release from work duties, handover, further appointments, and specific support services. Don't overload the first conversation.

7. Designate reliable contacts

The affected person should know who will contact them, when, and who they can turn to with questions. Reliability is crucial, especially in the first few days.

What helps with anger, tears, or shock?

Strong emotions cannot simply be "moderated away." They need space to surface. This doesn't mean that every behavior must be accepted. Insults or threats must be clearly limited. However, emotional reactions should not be hastily judged as inappropriate or irrational.

Three principles are helpful:

1. Acknowledge emotions: "I can see that this is really affecting you right now."

2. Allow for pauses: Not every silence needs to be filled immediately.

3. Stay focused on the issue at hand: Avoid getting into an argumentative exchange.

Avoid reassurances like "Cheer up" or "It'll be alright." While usually well-intentioned, they quickly convey that the affected person's reaction is not being taken seriously.

If the reaction is very strong, it may be helpful to interrupt the conversation. Make sure the person is not left alone and knows the next steps and who to contact.

Separation talks in the context of a restructuring

In an individual employment relationship, the conversation never remains completely isolated. In restructuring processes, it interacts with communication from top management, information provided to managers, exchanges with the works council or other social partners, and communication with the remaining employees.

Contradictory messages create additional uncertainty. Therefore, all parties involved should have a shared understanding:

• Why is the change necessary?

• What is the company's vision?

• What rules and criteria are used to make the decision?

• What support do those affected receive?

• How will those who remain be supported?

A restructuring process isn't complete once the discussions have taken place and the contracts have been signed. The remaining employees also need guidance, dialogue, and a credible perspective. Otherwise, fear, guilt, mistrust, and burnout can have a lasting negative impact on collaboration.

Outplacement: Support that goes beyond the conversation

A professional outplacement service is no substitute for a good separation discussion. However, it can significantly contribute to helping those affected regain their bearings and freedom of action more quickly.

Concrete support signals appreciation and helps to actively shape the next phase of one's career. Depending on the needs, this can include:

• Stabilization and personal assessment

• Clarification of professional goals and perspectives

• Sharpening the competence profile

• Support with application documents and job interviews

• Developing an individual search strategy

• Support during career reorientation or transition to self-employment

This is also relevant for the company: those who provide professional support to those affected protect trust, culture and employer brand – and at the same time support a responsible transformation process.

Quick check: Are we ready for the conversation?

Before the appointment, you should be able to answer these questions with "yes":

• Is the core message clear and can it be formulated in one sentence?

• Are the manager and HR aligned in their roles?

• Have the legal and organizational framework conditions been reviewed?

• Have the most important questions and answers been prepared?

• Is a confidential room reserved with sufficient time?

• Is it stipulated who can be contacted after the conversation?

• Are specific support services prepared?

• Is time allotted for follow-up?

Conclusion: Clarity is respectful

A good breakup conversation doesn't make difficult news any easier. But it can prevent a necessary separation from becoming an additional source of hurt.

The most important attitude is: clear in the matter, respectful in dealings, and reliable in the next steps.

A termination meeting is not a legal act with emotional repercussions. It is a pivotal emotional moment with legal guidelines. Those who manage this moment professionally assume responsibility – for the individual affected, for the manager, and for the future of the organization.

Do you want to prepare your managers for termination meetings?

Restart Career supports companies with training, role-playing exercises, and practical guidance during separation interviews, voluntary redundancy programs, and restructuring. In addition, we support employees with modern outplacement services as they embark on their professional future.

Contact us – we will help you to conduct separation discussions in a clear, respectful and professional manner.